Like Chelsea Handler
Only Not Famous and Broke.
The C.R.A.
"I've Always Wanted To Be A Superhero" Blog
What a crappy title huh? Wrong. It's a GREAT title. Because it accurately describes this Blog. If you'll remember in one of my former Blogs I mentioned I'd love to be the greatest superhero EVER named and I named her "The Crown Royal Avenger" because I wanted to battle the wicked hypocritical Teetotalers who refused to take the shots and pass out at my feet?... Well after I made that statement it dawned on me; I really do wanna be her - badly... But unfortunately becoming a super dope heroine of such magnitudes would not really be a super dope heroine at all. I fear that such a super dope woman would simply be regarded as an inebriate bitch. But since this is MY camp I've decided to create an alternate universe in which this dynamic character can and will drink and be completely SUPER DOPE.
So Camper's I am proudly presenting you with the inaugural issue of my iconic comic super dope heroine, "The Crown Royal Avenger." I had wanted to name her the "Crown Royal Avergeress" but someone reminded about women's lib...
The Adventures of The Crown Royal Avenger
Volume 1: Wild Irish Rose Beginnings
One fine day I was at the slow as Hell DMV in my hometown of Yaakahulahickeydulaville getting my new license after my 2nd DUI. The cashier finally finished making a copy of my SR22 and just as I was about to leave the last guy on line who looked to have at least another hour or so wait jumped off of the line and went berserk brandishing a pistol, yelling, and mean mugging everyone. "Everybody lay the fuck down. I ain't gots no times to be waiting on this here line - lass an shiit!" Scared and lying on the floor my entire life flashed before my eyes. I'd miss getting drunk with mi Pápi... And I'd miss possibly having a family. Or ever having an Ultrasound.
I'd miss partying with my friends.
And I'd even miss going to the museum... Now realizing that I could not allow that savage to ruin my life I had to quickly think of a way to foil this fools dastardly plot. Digging deep into what's left of my memory banks I remembered a time long ago when I was partying on the beach with my clique and I heard a guy in the water yelling out in distress.
But all of my friends stood watching doing nothing. So I quickly downed some, 
And I sprang into action. Drunk I ran down to the ocean and cursed that shark out like I was gonna serve him for dinner causing it to quickly swim away and thus I saving the guy in trouble. Armed with that bomb ass memory AND a knockoff Louis V bag containing a brand new bottle of Richards finest, I again quickly downed half the bottle. Half drunk this time because it was only 10:00am, I jumped up into the man's face and But unlike when I got in that sharks ass my slurred words failed to penetrate his psyche so he didn't back down. And because I could think of nothing else I tightened the top and hit him over the head with my half empty bottle of 
using my newly reacquired superhuman mouth I cursed that mutha fucka out like I had been standing on line for 3 hours and was ready to leave!
And when that didn't hurt him either I was truly dumbfounded so I took another drink. And because it has been my experience that there is nothing alive that can successfully defend itself against a woman drunk on Wild Irish Rose. So not sure of what to do I looked around the DMV in a panic and I noticed a little old woman trying to get my attention. "Hey young lady, don't you know a cheap wine bottle is only good for a drunken 1 night stand? I was you 30 years ago. But here, I've got what you need." The old lady whispered. And digging deep into her purse she produced a bottle and said, "Try this. Take this bottle drink some of it and then beat his ass like he was a bartender watering down your $15 drinks!" Happily snatching the bottle I took 3 big gulps and oddly my body felt like it had never felt before. A warm yet controlled feeling over took my body and in an instant I had never been this drunk but in control. 
Then I turned to the crazed man cussed his dumb as out proper this time and hit him over the head with the bottle. And remarkably this time he fell to the floor. Once the man was on the floor security came and carted him off. Finally the DMV was safe. Then the little old woman who had given me the Crown Royal staggering approached me and slurred, "Itsss noooo coincidence that we are meeting thissspss waaaay. I need need to tell you that the Croown Ro*hiccup*lll ain't your average whisskee. It has super powerssss. I gotta pee. And whenever yyyou drink it *hiccup* you will become the Crown Royal Av Aven Avengerrr. And there is no hooooe oops - foooe you can't cheat *burp* oops - defeat. It's armed with many many many many many more super powers besides the power to verbally slay. *burp* But I'm gonna leave it to you to figure out how to use them. Just as I did all those years*gag/burp* ago. So be careful with the company you *ralph ralph* chose because everyone ain't good at holding their booze, like *burp burp* you and me... You don't wanna have to spend a night in jail because they can't drive...." *ock ock* Listening to her old drunk ass drone on and on while burping, gagging and ocking I was like she was cool and all but I still felt like blowing my mind up! So because she had some knowledge I politely cut her off thanked her and promised I'd get back at her later. Then I told her to get home, drink some dayum coffee and let the new breed of booze hounds take care of the bottle. And then I grabbed the bottle knowing that we were the perfect match. And with the Crown's assistance I became the Crown Royal Avenger and together we began our adventures of cussing lame mutha fucka's out and spiking the soda's of every boring ass teetotaler all over the World.... Alright Camper's there you have it, the first draft edition of my new comic. And yes it's ROUGH, but hey I needed inspiration. Because everyone knows life's better with booze.
So until our next camp out remember you bring the chocolates and marshmallows because I've obviously always got the wine and trees...
Volume 2: Duty Calls! Or is that Last Call?
Look over at the bar, it’s a damsel, it’s a doxy, no it’s the C.R.A! When we last met our super dope heroine she had just learned of her Booze given gift and drunken calling. As told to her by her now always drunk Sensei, Milk of Amnesia the former Crown Royal Avenger. Armed with a full flask, her favorite highball, and a 1 of a kind knock off Louis V bag filled with spring water ice. Accompanied by her fearless pup 40 Dawg they troll the bars in search of the wicked wicked Teetotaler's and asshole Dry Drunks who infect the good drunken World with their wretched sobriety and pussy azz drinks. As Amnesia was about to roll a joint a woman from a neighboring bar runs in sweating and hysterically screaming that "There is a wicked wicked Teetotaler holding up the bartender by ordering 5 Homemade Virgin Strawberry Daiquiris! Complete with fresh Strawberries and whipped cream!"
Our story begins on a typical evening as Crown, Amnesia, and 40 are chillin' in their favorite out of the way booth at their favorite neighborhood watering hole the La Borracha. Drinking Jager Bombs, talking shit and getting fucked up!
"Daiquiri's? Virgin's at that?! Hell to the nawww, not why I I I I'mmmm ze Av Aven Avennger!" Springing into action a very drunk Crown puts both hands on the back of the booth and hoists herself up only to quickly fall back into her seat laughing. Amnesia having finished rolling passes her the joint and says,"Smoooke *gag* this *burp* first *ock ock* hit thhiisss."
Swiftly grabbing the joint Crown takes a long drag, inhales, and starts to choke. 40 atingle by his heroine's inability to hold her smoke starts barking excessively causing the the distressed woman to get pissed. Noticing the woman's frustration Crown grabs her pint of Guinness takes a long chug and says, "Pipe down wil ya? I'm comin.. I'm comin-ggg." 
Finally making it over to the bar where the wicked wicked Teatotaler was still wasting the bartenders time Crown staggering approaches him and says, "What the Hell do you think you're doing *hiccup*? There's people here waiting on a real drink, man! And you're wasting the bartender's time with these fru fru pussy drinks."
Stunned that a little woman as tiny as Crown would step to him in such a manner the wicked wicked Teatotaler said, "Beat it you drunk before I pour a cup of coffee down your throat." 40 not taking too well to the wicked wicked Teatotaler's blatant disrespect for his heroine barks loudly, jumps on the bar, and drinks from an unattended Martini. 
The CRA noticing 40's inability to pass up drinking from an unattended glass says, "1 cup of coffee ain't never helped me, so trust me it won't help you with me. An entire vat of the shit couldn't sober me up. So again before things *buuuurp* get really ugly up in here cancel those fucking Virgins and get some real cocktails *buuurp* up in here. it's a bar fool not your momma's mammy's house!" Not one to just be cussed out by his perception of a drunk the wicked wicked Teatotaler yells, "Listen you lush I don't wanna have to show you your ass so I'm gonna count to 3 and if you and this booze hound don't step off and I mean now, me and my Daquiri drinking homies are gonna turn this mutha out." Realizing that her buzz was quickly fading and her Jager Bombs weren't doing any damage Crown looks up at the wicked wicked Teatotaler and says, "Mr. Buzz Kill, don't kill my buzz. You wouldn't like me if you killed my buzz." "Wino, I don't like when you're drunk." The wicked wicked Teatotaler bellows. Sick of the incessant, useless, and thus boring arguing one incurred when a reasonable drunk tries to calmly convince a boring ass Teatotaler the crowd in the bar starts yelling, "Cuss him out Crown." "He can't talk shit like that to you." "Spike his fucking drink." "Or get him the hell out of here..." 
Finally realizing that the argument he was having was with the infamous Crown Royal Avenger the wicked wicked Teatotaler says, "So you're the Crown Royal Avenger the drunken supposed super dope heroine who is suppose to save the world from all of us sober people? Hum, I must say I'm not impressed. I expected a real woman, not some girl who drinks Jager Bombs and carries a knock off Louis V bag."
Now almost really sober and even insulted by the Teatotaler, because her knock off is one of a kind. Crown reaches into that knock off Louis V bag grabs her highball, places a handful of ice in it, and pours herself a long shot of her powerful elixir Crown Royal.
Looking around the room she sees the patrons of the bar cheering her on shouting out to the wicked wicked Teatotaler things such as,"You done fucked up now." "She done took her a drank." "She fiddna to cuss you out." "Fo sho." 
Taking a long gulp from the highball Crowns eyes gently close as she allows the whiskey to course through her veins. Feeling the vocal strength and wit of 10000 foul mouth drunks Crown opens her eyes and says, "You Troglodyte sober fuck, I see we have a problem here. Now I'm gonna have to cuss you the fuck out..." 
While Crown is getting in the wicked wicked Teatotaler's azz 40 Dawg quickly spikes their daiquiris by pouring quadruple shots of 151 rum into each. As Crown is cussing out the wicked wicked Teatotaler his 4 wimpy friends each takes a drink from the spiked daiquiris. Upon tasting the disgusting *yummy* rum they each quickly spit out the fruit flavored libation. And in what can only be described as a miracle the 151 rum had an adverse effect on them. All of a sudden instead of becoming inebriated they became even more sober (if that's possible) and transformed into the most self-righteous sanctimonious band of Buzz Kills ever. Taking notice to his friends transformation the wicked wicked Teatotaler quickly grabs his Strawberry Daiquiri and takes a long gulp. Watching the cold whipped delight *yuck* cascade down his throat Crown and 40 stood in shock as they witnessed the ordinary wicked wicked Teatotaler magically transform into Buzz Kill leader of the just now formed Buzz Killer Squad. Now with 5 sermonizing hypocrites in the bar Crown and 40 realize they maybe out numbered because just 1 superbad super heroine and her non verbal dog may not possess the verbal skills needed to defeat these Pecksniffians.They reevaluate their options. Because we all know Teatotaler's and Dry Drunks use their fists not their words... So Campers will Crown and 40 escape an impending ass woopin? Will the now infamous Buzz Killer Squad never touch 151 again and substitute milk? Will the patrons finally be able to not waste the bartenders time and order straight shots? And where the hell is Amnesia? All these questions and more in our next installment of your favorite drunk and certainly mine, The Crown Royal Avenger! 
Volume 3: “Duty Calls Part 2: Pour out a Little Liquor”
Look over at the bar, it’s a damsel, it’s a doxy, no it’s the C.R.A!
Armed with her full trusty flask, her favorite highball, and a 1 of a kind knock off Louis V bag filled with spring water ice, she’s ready; she’s drunk, and pissed the fuck off! That’s right Campers and New People the Crown Royal Avenger and her band of randy sidekicks are back. We have already seen our heroine and her people drinking and at their favorite Yaakahulahickeydulaville bar La Borracha. A sweaty woman screaming for help. Because assholes were at a neighboring bar wasting the bartender’s time! We watched from the edge of our seats as our super dope heroine attempted to spring into action. But another drink and a hit of the weed was needed... Breathlessly we listened as Crown cussed out the group of daiquiri drinking wicked wicked teetotalers. We cheered when 40 spiked their pussy ass daiquiris with 151. Until we saw the adverse effect it had on them, including the most self-righteous wicked wicked teetotaler of them all Buzz Kill, who began to spew even more vile hypocritical rhetoric. Almost too much for the Worlds superest dopest heroine. Because our hearts skipped a beat as our super dope heroine’s Jager Bombs were apparently not enough.
But wait a plan! Another drink of her magic elixir Crown Royal, that ever so smooth libation that when consumed and pissed off enough can make a nice girls mouth so foul it will debilitate any wicked teetotaler or dry drunk who wants to test her and find the fuck out... "You little drunk idiot we don't drink no damn alcohol and we ain't never done drugs because we know it ruins your brain cells. We like to keep our wits about us because if we drank and smoked like you we might be nice and have some fun! But nobody wants that shit... Alcohol imbibing drug inhaling silly bitches like you act like fools when you’re drunk. Running around the bar and parties being nice to everyone. Kissing everyone on the cheek and complimenting people. Offering to pay for additional rounds and just being the life of the party. You stupid drunks don’t realize that life is hard. And being mean, evil, and pissed the fuck off all the time about any and everything from the cancellation of The Guiding Light to figuring out new ways to hurt someone else’s feelings is the only way to make it in this World. I hate that you stupid bitches don’t give a fuck about the small stuff and don't place the blame on others for all of your problems. Mutha fucka’s like you don’t realize that shit rolls down hill and that you should all be angry about nothing too."
Sick of listening to the stupid yammering of Major Buzz Kill, Crown, steps up closer to him and using the superest duperest dopest super power ever, her ability to cuss a mutha fucka out fo sho says, "I already told your stupid ass to shut the fuck up because no one wants to hear your punk ass talking shit and spewing your toxic propaganda. These people are here to have a good time and some fucking drinks. No one wants to hear some 'only claim to fame is being sober' whole-ass sermonizing while they're kickin' it... You stupid Major Buzz Killer, do you really think I’m gonna allow you come into my wondrously 'Wet' town and turn it boring-ly 'Dry' by drinking only those pussy ass daiquiri's and wasting the bartender’s time and bringing us all down with your hypocritical rhetoric and unnecessary anger? And on top of that then try to threaten me and my 40 Dawg? Well you simpleminded abstemious loser fuck, Hell to the naw! I’m the Crown Royal Avenger and this is My town, My bar, and My Dawg! And if you think your insults about drinking and having a good time are gonna matter to any of us, mutha fucka you got another think coming. So again, if you and your gang of pussy ass Buzz Killers don’t get the fuck out of here right the fuck now, I’m gonna have to fuck you up!" Then without warning Major Buzz Kill picks up his spiked Strawberry Daiquiri and attempts to throw it in Crowns face. But before it could make contact Crown in the blink of an eye grabs her 1 of a kind knock off Louis V bag and blocks the drink causing to hit Buzz Kill’s Buzz Killer Squad in the face. As the Buzz Killer’s licked their lips and tried to suck up the excess gross tasting daiquiri figuring the second drink must be better than the first, but they quickly realized that is not the case. Because suddenly instead of them gaining stronger super powers they suddenly all just got sick. Each one of those non liquor holding pussies started gagging and farting yakking and earling. When Buzz Killer noticed what was happening to the squad he quickly retreated and screamed out, "I’ll be back you little drunk bitch and I’ll get you and your little booze hound too!" He then quickly leads the gagging and farting band of assholes out the door. After Crown checks the door to make sure all was well and no one else would be wasting the bartender’s time she happily says to 40, “Dawg, that was easier than I expected. I was getting nauseous from mixing my Crown Royal with those crazy ass Jager Bombs.” Happily barking 40 woofs, “While you were cussing that dumb ass Buzz Kill I spiked the daiquiri with Amnesia’s eye drops.” “What if I didn’t duck?” Crown asked. After their brief exchange happily Crown calls out “who’s got next round?” And with that, everyone started cheering and telling her it’s all good and to drink up. Just as the party was getting started Crown noticed a lone man in a back booth not cheering or offering to buy her and 40 drinks. He was playing with his iPhone. With 2 fresh shots of whatever staggering Crown approaches the man and says, “Who the fuck do you think you are not buying me or my Dawg or my sensei the old sage Amnesia some drinks? Fool I'm the mutha fuckin' CRA the superest dopest super heroine to ever imbibe whiskey!” Pissed by his blatant disrespect of her and her folks and of years of tradition of buying the superest dopest heroine a round of shots, she looks down at his iPhone and sees that he's on the Fakebook application. Now really pissed because she knows assholes like him, jerks who troll social networks in search of fresh prey. But then just as she was about to get in his ass the police walked into the bar with Crown Amnesia and 40’s designated driver, Rasta Georgie.
“Is everything alright officers and Georgie?” Crown asks throwing back another shot. “Yeah just needing another quick drink. We saw your car parked outside so we figured since this isn’t your favorite out of the way bar there might be a party so we came see if we can kick it.” One of the officers said.
"And me jus want to get a spliff off ya gurl." Georgie chimed in. "Me gittin' pretty bored in dat der car awaitin' for ya to servum up sum jussstice. Dem CRA way." “OK well officers there wasn't really a party we're just in here now getting it started. I really came because duty called, but I deuced out those stupid ass Buzz Killers and now we're just pouring out a little liquor for 'em so party up. Can someone buy you officer’s a drink? And somebody please get my driver another weed, he's gotta get us home safely!" After getting the cops settled into the party Crown looked around for the Fakebook predator but he was gone. So she looked at 40 Dawg and Amnesia and says, “You know it’s cool keeping Yaakahulahickeydulaville bathed in booze and the wicked wicked teetotalers and dry drunks at bay, but that Fakebook asshole really got into my glass. I can't wait to see him again!”
"Fuck it’d be you puking on those slimy mutha fucka’s and they’d still have left, either way it was a win...”
*Burp Fart Gag* "Yeeaeeah Cr Cro Crow Crownnnn iiiiiiittt wassssssss a mu muth muthhh muthhhha fuuuuckin WIN!" Amnesia manages to spit out between burps farts, and gags. "Nnnnow whhhich wwwoon uf yyyyou fooools got dat dank? I'm nauseous!"
The man replies, “Sorry, but I have rules.” Finishing his brief statement he returned his attentions to his iPhone. 
So one the officers ordered a Chivas on the rocks while the ordered an extra dry double Tangueray martini. And 40 broke bad with the dank and with that the party finally started.
With 40 barking in agreement they down their shot and 40 fishes out another joint hands it to Crown who happily lights it, inhales deeply and says, “Yeah y'all, that Fakebook predator is on my list.” She exhales looks around and says, “Damn Amnesia, where the fuck is she?”
Good question Campers where is Amnesia? And where did the Fakebook predator slip off too? And what the fuck kind of rule could a man who trolls social networks to find women have? What does Crown mean she feels meant to do more? And will Amnesia ever come back? All these questions will be answered and much much more in the next installment of the Superest Dopest Heroine ever, the Crown Royal Avenger! And don't forget Campers you bring the marshmallows and chocolates because we all know I've got the wine and trees!
Volume 4: "Fuck You, You Fakebook Fucks! This Shit Calls for a Fucking Double. Part 1"
Look over at the bar, it’s a damsel, it’s a doxy, no it’s the C.R.A!
Armed with her full trusty flask, her favorite highball, and a 1 of a kind knock off Louis V bag filled with spring water ice, she’s ready; she’s drunk, and pissed the fuck off! That’s right Campers and New People the Crown Royal Avenger and her band of randy sidekicks are back. Another magnificent day in Yaakahulahickeydulaville. A fitting day for tequila shooters, bar hopping, or Internet trolling...
"Ah ha my pretty, you look just like the next perfect Fakebook victim!" Rumsnot Mydrinker the Fakebook stalker cried out to the pretty woman's Fakebook picture he was looking at on his humongous 30 inch computer screen. "That's right by tonight you will be mine!" And with that he sent out a friend request to unwitting victim # 30 Savannah Logan.
Meanwhile across town at her favorite out of the way bar La Borracha our super dope heroine The Crown Royal Avenger is chilling with her homie 40 Dawg tossing back some new brand of exclusive tequila her friend Ricardo the tequila maker sent her all the way from Mexico as a thank you and congratulations for eradicating the infamous Buzz Killer Squad from his favorite American city and also his biggest customers Yaakahulahickeydulaville . Half drunk but not too fucked up it dawns on 40 that Amnesia is still M.I.A. So he asks Crown, "Where in the fuck do you think Amnesia went off too? I really need her to roll these joints. I suck ass at rolling when I'm fucked up on Tequila. Last time she was missing this long some asshole Teetotaler convinced her to join that cult A.A. by pretending his Starbucks cup was filled with Champale. But during the meeting when Amnesia sipped it she discovered that the asshole Teetotaler was really drinking ginger tea and was trying to convert her to that bullshit sobrietyism."
So, so drunk and almost not giving a fuck because it's not missing when no one really gives a fuck Crown responds, "You know 40, Amnesia's an old drunk and thus an old drunk. I mean don't get me wrong and shit I love her but I have to admit without her the weed last almost 2 daze. With her we'd be calling Peety Wee all dayum day and you know how that fool is. He acts like he gives us the shit for free. Or like we don't ever have no money. If it was a buyer's market I'd worry more about Amnesia but since that buster has the upper hand, I'll just wait for her to show up. Plus I think she's been fucking with my special spring water ice." Finishing her statement Crown throws back another tequila shooter and cries out, "This is for our homies who ain't here. We're waiting on you Amnesia..." Crown and 40 both start laughing and quickly they pour another shot.
Back at Rumsnot's lair he is actively and enthusiastically involved in a Fakebook chat session with Savannah. Typing very slowly because he's a fucking moron and can't type or spell for shit Rumsnot types, "Damn firl you so dexy. Thise Fakebook pictures sre getting mr jot. We beem talking on this hear machine since % o'clock this afternoon its almost 7. I sau we shud mert up at the bar. I knoe thid lityle ouy og thw wau spoy wherr the boofs is soft so tgat dexy ass won"t feel no pane. The music is soft so yoy cam hesr my evey word. And thr drinks arr cheep because that's how I role. Yoy wit me? What"s up babu girk its are timr. You the one. Yoy culd tame me, makr me make sum live planr fo ounce. Yoy could yse my car and hav my babu. Yoy could make me quit updating my Fakebook status stalking abot lokking fo a deal women to luv and cherrysh. Yoy culd mak me qit shooting out dose ovva muskrat mudd dukks on one og my few allone nites. Girk yoy culd mak me chanje. What chu sae, it"s callet La Borraacha. Yoy no it?"
37 minutes later Savannah replies, "I would but dayum it took you forever to type that it out. And deciphering it took me a long time too. I don't know, you seem too dumb for me. Then again you may just have slow hands, so maybe just 1 drink..." Still typing she continues, "Yeah I know it but it's far can you come pick me up? I don't feel like driving." Savannah annoyed by Rumsnot slow typing and finally his selfish response to her ever so minor request feeling charitable and slightly lonely still agrees to meet him and asks, "45 minutes from now? Or 45 minutes from when I typed I don't feel like driving? Because if it's after the word 'driving' then 15 minutes have already past and if we're gonna meet we better get off this computer now. No need to respond I'll see you in 30 minutes." Closing the Fakebook page and turning off her laptop Savannah looked around her massive bedroom for her authentic Louis V bag and the keys to her SUV. Finding them she was off to meet up with that buster Rumsnot.
Rumsnot Mydrinker read Savannah's message and smiled. He then looked around his apartment for his favorite dirty clothes pile and retrieved his stone washed airbrushed jeans, old Corporal Energy work jacket (the one he wears when he's trying to prove that he is in fact employed - NOT) and then he put on his best gators. Feeling good and looking fucking goofy, he jumped in his whip and road off to La Borracha to meet the fair unsuspecting maiden who so innocently has fallen into his trap.
Back at La Borracha Crown was telling 40 that she needed to pee so she got up and went to the bathroom. Just as Crown reached the bathroom 40 realized that he too needed to pee so he got up and went outside. When 40 went outside he left their favorite booth unprotected and vulnerable to intruders who disregard the fact that there are half drunken drinks on the table, not to mention a fresh pack of Jokers and a weed grinder...
While both our super dope heroine and her trusted road dawg were answering nature's call Savannah made her way into to La Borracha. Looking around the quiet but semi-crowded bar Savannah spots the only unoccupied booth and makes her way over. Noticing all the half drunken drinks and empty shot glasses on the table and even the fresh pack of Jokers she figures the waitress must be too busy and will come and clean once she sees her sitting there she sits down. After about 5 minutes still no waitress and no one had yet to claim the table because apparently Crown and 40 really had to pee - bad. Just as she was about to call the waitress Rumsnot appeared at the booth smiling ear to ear.
Savannah takes a look at him and her heart sinks seeing him draped in that clown attire. But determine to make the best of a bad situation she gives a half smile and before she could say a word Rumsnot says, "Damn baby you prettier in person. Move on over in that booth and let Rumsnot buy you a beer. You pretty enough to get yourself a Heineken."
"No babu girk I can"t do thay. En kase I hav to muuch to drank I don"t want to risc yur live. Now wuld a dummie not drank and driiv?" He replied lying because really Rumsnot's got a whack ass car and he doesn't want her to see it. "So I"m juss gone meat yoy ther en 45 minetes."
Not feeling his cheapness but still very determine to not ruin her evening Savannah politely said, "I don't drink beer I'd prefer a Martini."
"A Martini, pretty girl you sexy and all but I only buy my woman such an expensive drink and since we just met I'm not even sure if you're gonna be around after tomorrow morning." Rumsnot's cheap ass quickly replied.
"Tomorrow? Buster without that Grey Goose Martini the next 10 minutes aren't guaranteed. I can't believe you're so cheap" Savannah angrily retorted.
But before Rumsnot could respond to Savannah 40 Dawg appears at the table. Realizing that their favorite out of the way booth had been infiltrated by a very mismatched couple he barks loudly. Upon hearing 40's bark Crown who has been in the bathroom lounge answering all of her Fakebook friend requests and responding to her many inbox questions she closes out of the applications and puts her Blackberry away and staggers back to her favorite booth.
Immediately upon seeing Rumsnot Crowns loses her buzz and says, "It's You! You're the asshole who refused to buy me and my dawg drinks the other night. What the hell are you doing here and what the fuck are you doing in me and my crews booth?" Crown and 40 happily realize it's Amnesia. but faced with Rumsnot and his unsuspecting date sitting at her table Crown calls out to Amnesia, "Where the fuck have you been? But before you answer that grab me and and my Dawg a couple of doubles too. Because I'm dealing with this fucked up fool in the whack ass gear." 40 starts to bark loudly as Amnesia gives them a thumbs up. Crown returns her attentions to Rumsnot. That's right Campers, what to do, what to do? Should Crown stop her impending verbal assault on Rumsnot and help Amnesia carry the drinks? Or should she just send 40 and just continue to get into Rumsnot's ass? And isn't strange how Amnesia magically appeared from out of nowhere and without skipping a beat the Crown Royal Avenger's crew is back intact? Well right now who knows, but all of these questions and more will be answered in our next installment of your favorite super dope heroine and mine, The Crown Royal Avenger. 
Shocked that the booth wasn't empty and the waitress was not just slow. And particularly shocked that the person who occupied the booth is the same little girl and her road dawg that he had come face to face with the other day at another bar, Rumsnot prepares to verbalize his response. But suddenly the bar door loudly bursts open and all of a sudden everyone gasps so bewildered Rumsnot says nothing.
However because of the bright light and standing at the wrong angle Crown and 40 are unable to see who it is. Suddenly they hear a loud burp and fart then an elderly woman's voice calls out "Giiiive meeee a fuuuuucking do do do double yyyyou mu mu mutha fuckas ww ww will nnnnot beeeelieve wwwwhere tha fffu fuuck I've beeeeen."
"So I'll ask again; Why the fuck didn't you buy me and my dawg some drinks when you saw everyone else buying us drinks after we saved the bar from those buster ass Buzz Killers? Do you think you can just disrespect us like we didn't save the bar from those busters?" Crown angrily asked.
But before Rumsnot could answer Amnesia yells across the bar that her hands are full and asks Crown and 40 for help so that she won't drop the drinks. Faced with this new dilemma Crown looks at Rumsnot and then over to 40 and then across the bar at Amnesia and asks. "What to do, what to do?"
Volume 5: "Fuck You, You Fakebook Fucks! This Shit Calls for a Fucking Double... Fucking Finally Part 2"
Look over at the bar, it’s a damsel, it’s a doxy, no it’s the C.R.A!
Armed with her full trusty flask, her favorite highball, and a 1 of a kind knock off Louis V bag filled with spring water ice, she’s ready; she’s drunk, and pissed the fuck off! That’s right Campers and New People the Crown Royal Avenger and her band of randy sidekicks are back. We have already seen our 3 chillin’ in the bar downing shot shot shot shot shot shot after shot. We bit our nails as Amnesia made a welcomed yet miraculous return. We sat at the edge of our seats as the CRA found that buster Rumsnot Mydrinker and was about to get in his mutha fuckin ass because a few weeks back he didn’t pay homage to your Super Dope Heroine The Crown Royal Avenger and her clique for saving the mutha fuckin’ day. We also cheered relentlessly as the CRA dropped Visine into her eyes to clear them so she could make sure he was the right buster. We then breathless listened as Amnesia instigated the whole mutha fuckin’ thing. And we were all grossed the fuck out as the CRA peed for what seemed like forever and 40 went outside to take a shit. Quickly grabbing The CRA by the arms one of the asshole orderlies says, “Crown Royal Avenger your daze of cussing people out are numbered. You have a serious problem with drugs and alcohol and we’ve received a number of complaints about your mouth.” “What the fuck are you talking about, a number of complaints about my mouth? My mutha fuckin’ mouth saves drinks and makes people happy. But you asshole orderlies from that whack ass clinic wouldn‘t know shit about that because you’re fucking sober.” The CRA blasted back. “Heee heee heell *hiccup hiccup burp burp fart* mutha fuckin’ YEah itttttt saaaaves *fart fart* liiives!” Amnesia manages to say as usual slurring burping and farting her way through a sentence. “Llleeeav my hooomeguuurrrllllll alone.” “Hell no we won’t leave her alone. And if you don’t shut it up we’ll take your drunk ass with her!” The asshole sober orderly bleats at Amnesia. “Woof *fart fart* Woof.” 40 barks in protest to his homies unjust incarceration. “Ah ha, Crown Royal Avenger, seems your drunk ass is getting what you deserve. You tried to make the entire town drunkards just like you, but not anymore. My call was the final straw on your booze topped weed cake.” Assures Rumsnot as he grabs poor Savannah by the waist and the orderlies carry The CRA out of the bar.
“Oh snap mutha fucka, it was you who called these lames? I swear once I get out I’ma find your sober ass and trust me that means your ass. Amnesia and 40 hold my drinks and save me some of that good weed because I’ll be back!” The CRA vows as she’s led outside into the awaiting ambulance. What the fuck Campers? Is our super dope heroine down and out or what? Will she return sober and not ready for Happy Hour? Will the evil plan of Rumsnot Mydrinker and those assholes over at “You Will Learn to Say No” drug and alcohol rehab win? Does anyone give a fuck about Savannah anymore? All these questions and more will be answered in the next exciting installment of The Crown Royal Avenger!
"Not if we have anything to say about it!" Cries the asshole orderlies.
Volume 6: How The Fuck Did I End Up Here?
Look over in group therapy it's a girl, it's a chick, no it's Kimreton James one evil condescending bitch! Armed with the AA Big Book, a shit attitude, a condescending nature, and complete vitriol for everything and everyone that surrounds her that's right Campers she's back after 6 months of intensive drug and alcohol therapy she's mad over nothing and ready to take it out on the world! But no matter, that was her former life (when life was good and worth living) she's now having to listen to some boring bitch named Charjary Piglet Abstinento tell another dull ass story about trying to sell her children's hampsters, rabbits, gerbils, and puppies for a hit of the Dizank. "It was so bad. I just so hearted the ferocious green's almost minty flavor Dizank. I would have done anything for it. If a dude came around me with that nice Dizank I'd sure enough offer to wash his clothes and do his dishes and clothes." That crazy needy pig Charjary cried. Mean while over in Yaakahulahickeydulaville Amnesia and 40 Dawg were kickin' in a random bar meetin' people and drinkin'. When we first caught up to our inebriated duo they were completely forgetful of Crown (can you say chronic?) but then Drunken Puke, Amnesia's new boy toy asked the bartender that fateful question, "Can I have a Crown Royal on the Rox?" And at that moment 40 lost it and started barking loudly as if he had had an epiphany.
When we last met up with our former favorite super dope heroine she had just put in a couple of drops of Visine to get the red out and moisten her very dry eyes because she and 40 had been sippin' on that weed and smokin' on that alcohol all day. And just as she was just about to get in the ass of that buster cheapskate Rumsnot Mydrinker he pussied out and turned the tables on her and called the asshole orderlies from the "You Will Learn To Say No" Alcohola and Drug Rehabilitation Center from over in that whack ass dry county O'Douls. And yes after 6 hardcore months of detox, group therapy, individual therapy, and cleaning up other people's shit our former super dope heroine is just a shadow of her former self. Actually she's no longer even the Crown Royal Avenger, she's simply Kimreton James one angry bitter bitch who's always willing to look at the glass half empty, bitch moan, and take offense over nothing, and prove you're less than she is by being condescending and a plain old cunt.
But oh yeah, our latest story begins with Kimreton attending another boring fucking group therapy session. While sitting there listening to those jerks yammer on and on about why they started drinking and using drugs and how it fucked up their lives, it was so fucked up she felt like blowing her mind up. Because as she reminisced her experiences with booze and weed were not the same as theirs. Her drunkenness brought joy and laughter to all that kicked it with her. Plus it saved many bartenders from having their time wasted by a bunch of Buzz Killers who didn't have shit better to do than to fuck with people and try to drag others down and drink silly ass fru fru drinks. And it also helped her identify cheapskate whole-asses who sought out women on Fakebook to take advantage of. 
"Nesia, we forgot all about Crown. We need to find out if she's cool or not." 40 barked. Then all of a sudden the wine'd out lady at the end of the bar Rosey who guzzling down glass after glass of Rose' asks, "Excuse me *hiccup hiccup* Dawg, but do you mean The Crown Royal Avenger?" "I *hiccup hiccup buuuurp ock ock ock buuurp* mutha *fart fart faaarrt gag gag gag* fuckin' hearrr hearrrrrddddd yyyyyou dawg." Amnesia managed to get out. "Bbbbut OK."
But as he posed his question the silly come to find out jealous too damn soon bitch Zinnie he was drinkin' with barked, "Who the fuck is this Crown person and why you even care how they doin' since I dun bought you all dose drinks?"
40 not liking her tone immediately barked back, "Listen Zinnie mind your drinks. We just met." And he returns his attentions back to Amnesia who was sipping on her Martini trying figure out what the fuck was going on as she drunkenly glared into the eyes of Drunken Puke.
40 intrigued by the woman's knowledge (remembering) of his dear friend Crown he simply barked, "Yes. We haven't heard from her since she was taken by brute force from our favorite out of the way bar La Borracha by those asshole orderlies from over at the 'You Will Learn To Say No' Alcohol and Drug Rehabilitation Center in O'Doul's County."
"Yess I heard *hiccup hiccup* about that. How long has she been gone?"
"About 6 months, I think." 40 barked back.
"Listen 40 Dawg, you here wit me! Remember who bought you dose drinks you been happily guzzlin' down like water so you either tell me who this Crown Royal person is and quit talking to that wino at the end of the bar or I'm closing my tab." Zinnie the needy bitch barked.
"Close it. You're bringing down my high anyway. And if you don't know who The Crown Royal Avenger is, than sister you don't know shit. And dealing with Amnesia is enough people around me who don't know shit." 40 barked at the insecure bitch. 
"Nesia you know what I mean. You just always fucked up and it's mad hard to hold a decent conversation when your longest sentence is, 'shot shot shot shot shot shot'. No matter what the topic is, but I love you anyway. But we do need to check in with Crown. To make sure she's cool abd to fin out when she's comin' home so we can throw her a party."
"Ooo ooo oohhh yyyyyou ggggona throw Crcrcrrcrown a party like y'all threw fffoor me wwwhen I rerereturned from wherever thththththe fuck I was?" Amnesia spit out with a certain clarity and lack of gross bodily sounds.
